Thursday, November 10, 2016

Death is Not Beautiful

Death is not beautiful. It's not a happy event in a life. It's the end of a life. And for a mother who loses their child, their heart, and their soul...it's the most horrific pain that would or could ever happen. It's not about the fact that they aren't in pain anymore and are now wherever your religious beliefs thinks they are. Because all a mother wants is their child here with them, not suffering and enjoying life with their family.  But that reality is gone and replaced with a vast emptiness that is infinite and a pain that will never leave you and cause a pain unknown and inconceivable to anyone that has never experienced such a child loss. 


Death is not beautiful. Watching our son bravely fight his illness despite the immense pain it caused him, only to stop breathing and lose his organ function and in his last days and hours, struggle to breathe, hearing that horrible sucking noise coupled with a hoarseness and labored breathing sounds that lets you know the end is near. Watching them lose the ability to swallow and unable to take anything by mouth that once filled their heart with joy (French fries!)  and the life continues to seep out. Your once joyful child is facing the end of life and you are completely unable to save them, shelter them, protect them or keep them with you for even a second longer than their body will allow. 


Death is not beautiful. You hold your child whose life is leaving and it's ugly, horrible, heart breaking and begins the soul tearing. The heart breaking in two. You hold your child and hear the last time their heart is ever going to beat again. Nothing prepares you for this. Nothing comes close to this feeling and living this nightmare. Your child's heart stops beating and yours continues to beat a now shattered heart. 


Death is not beautiful. We aren't happy our child died and satisfied that they are now with "cool angels" (yes someone actually said this to a mother who just lost their son). We are devastated beyond belief. Shattered. Broken. We cease to be the people we were and begin a completely new life forever changed into someone new. Someone who now will live a life with our souls torn, our hearts shattered and a sadness that will never ever leave us and the feeling of our life being incomplete forever. We are angry. We are pissed. We are fucking broken beyond anything anyone can ever imagine. And no I don't care about YOUR feelings or if you think I should speak kinder or think of others or I have grieved long enough or I should be happy they aren't suffering and are with whatever belief YOU have. It's about US and OUR CHILD who is no longer with us, who suffered and died after a braver fight than you can ever imagine or conceive. Your thoughts on his death don't matter and they don't make me feel better. Nothing will. Nothing needs to be said because nothing will touch us or make a difference. Your thoughts that make light of his death diminish the life he did lead and the love he had for living. You want to know what to say to a grieving mother? Nothing. Instead do something. Provide a meal. Provide company. Be there if they want to talk, but don't impart your beliefs on it. Let her vent. Let her scream. Let her cry. Get involved. Do something. If you are going to say something, any comment related to a positive comment regarding death based on your religion is not helpful and actually more detrimental than saying nothing. Or that they aren't suffering anymore and how that must comfort us. No, it's not fucking comforting. He should be here, better and living the life he loved. 


Death is not beautiful. It's not a fairy tale. To you it's not real so you visualize something to comfort yourself but it doesn't comfort the mother who held her child until the last heart beat after watching them suffering for hours, days, months and/or years. Your visualization of what you think death is or was is not our reality. The reality that keeps us up at night, haunts our dreams and become our waking nightmare. Your visualization of what death is doesn't stop our tears from falling and the sadness that follows us day in and day out. Your visualization of what death is doesn't stop the emptiness we now live with that makes us think about ending our own life to stop the pain. Your visualization of what death is...is not reality or even close to it and not comforting for even a second. 


Death is not beautiful. Death is not awesome. Death is not a positive thing in any way, shape or form. And telling a grieving mother who held their child through the end of their life, after fighting for their life and watching them suffer and bravely make it as long as they could, demeans them and their child and the life they lived. We should be sad beyond any sadness ever known, angry beyond any anger we've ever felt before and feel a heart break and soul tearing that nothing will ever heal or be fixed. Because that IS what the death of a child causes. 


So please, for grieving mothers everywhere, stop saying death is beautiful or something positive. It's not the loss of a parent, spouse, sibling, friend or any other kind of loss. The loss of a child is unlike anything anyone can ever imagine and the pain that comes from such a loss in unimaginable and known as the greatest pain any human being can feel. That is death. It's horrific, heart breaking, sad, angry, devastating, excruciating, crippling, torturous, agonizing and not something a parent comes back from. 


Death is not beautiful. My child's life is beautiful. His smile was infectious and his wonderment for the world, the most joyful thing I've ever seen in my life. He was brave through the end and handled his illness with more grace and joy than most people can ever imagine. Most of all he lived and loved his life and didn't want it to end and had a heart stronger than anything this world could throw at him. 


Death is not beautiful. My child's life is beautiful. That's what should be celebrated and remembered. 


6 comments:

  1. I know you said to say nothing but I can't not say anything because I don't live close enough to just be there or give a meal. But I do want you to know that we know you are thought of and Kreed's life was a beautiful life. I'm sorry that we have to speak in the past tense and I'm sorry that there isn't a way to take that pain away.

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  2. Thank you for writing this. I love you guys. Thank you for being such a good friend to me and....thank you for helping other moms that are grieving. You are truly astonishing, I love you.

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  3. You don't know me, but I just wanted to say again how sorry I am that your sweet boy is no longer with us. I think it's a great thing you're doing helping families find voices for people in need. Try to keep your head high, and remember that there is no right or wrong way for you to grieve.

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  4. Kreed was beautiful! I miss seeing his videos, and how much love you all had for each other. I still cry for this beautiful child I never even knew, but who touched me so deeply! All I can say is I am so sorry for your loss. He was one in a million! He was braver than I will ever be! He has touched more peoples hearts and minds in his short life than most people will in their long lives...his legacy is strong! God bless you Kreed!

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  5. Dear Mom, I have been following you for years and I loved your son as my own. I felt each laughter, joy and struggle you shared with us. I too have a son with Autism and your journey helped me relate to my own feelings. A parent's grief is like no other and as you learn to live with your silence, know we too feel it. With as much love as possible that I can send your way, I want you to know somewhere in cyberspace I am holding you hand.

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  6. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

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